This is What Life Feels Like
by Veritas Found
Summary: This is what life feels like, and it’s messy and complicated and so very hard at times, but…in the end, even when it doesn’t go how you plan, it’s so unbelievably worth it.


**Title: **"This is What Life Feels Like"

**Author:** Veritas Found

**Rating:** T / PG-13 / Teen

**Characters/Pairings:** Christie Leroux; Christie Leroux x Matt Green

**Summary:** This is what life feels like, and it's messy and complicated and so very hard at times, but…in the end, even when it doesn't go how you plan, it's so unbelievably worth it.

**Disclaimer:** _Dramacon_ and all respective properties are © Svetlana Chmakova. Megan D. (Veritas Found) does not, has never, nor will ever own _Dramacon_.

**Author's Note/Warnings: **Set during the interim between first and second volumes as mentioned in the beginning of Vol. 2 along with a portion of the second volume. Spoiler-free as long as you're current.

"_**This is What Life Feels Like"**_

This is what hesitation feels like.

Picking up the note, unfolding it, reading it a few times, folding it back up, putting it back in her pocket, and repeating a zillion and one times. Hesitating each time, just shy of reaching for the phone because…she's not scared. She has every reason to dial that number, to call him, to…but something stops her, just short of reaching for that phone, and she doesn't know what to do.

Will he think he's just her rebound? She doesn't want him to be. She wants him to be…

So she picks up the note, unfolds it, reads it a few times, reaches for the phone, hesitates, folds the note back up, puts it back in her pocket, and repeats a few zillion times.

This is what hesitation feels like, and she's been hesitating ever since the con ended two months ago.

– V –

This is what realization feels like.

It's strange and subtle, a little epiphany that comes over you at the strangest of times. Seeing Brett and Derek at the Aid Rite down the road, feeling for the first time like she didn't have to run when confronted with the demon of her past. Nervous, but ok, like that feeling you get before the phlebotomist sticks the needle in your arm. You know it won't hurt, but something in your mind still tells you it will. All the same, you sit there and go through it, because you know it will be over soon and it won't really hurt.

But seeing him does hurt, just a little, and it's only comforted by Brett's strong, protective presence – and she realizes he _can't_ hurt her anymore. So she talks with Brett, smiles and laughs and pays no attention to the shamed, cowering boy behind him, and after a few minutes they hug and part and go on their separate ways.

This is what realization feels like, and she's realizing that time can heal wounds and she's…ok.

– V –

This is what clarity feels like.

She's ok, and she's recovered from her last boyfriend as best she can. And this time when she picks up the note, her fingers dial the number with a renewed sense of confidence, something she hasn't felt in a while and sorely missed. Something _he_ somehow manages to make her feel, even when she doesn't want to. But she can see it now, so much better than before, and she's finally calling him – nearly three months after the con, but…better late than never and all that, right?

So she stands there, fingers tapping on the table before her and nervously biting her lip, wondering just what she'll say when he answers, and then he does, and it's a flowery _"Hello?"_ that makes her panic and slam the phone down much harder than she probably should have.

A pounding heart, so much worse than when she had dialed, and then a shattering as that single word reverberates over and over in her mind.

This is what clarity feels like, and it's never been clearer that she shouldn't have waited three months to call.

– V –

This is what a broken heart feels like.

It's a feeling she's familiar with now, much more than she'd like to be, but never this bad before. Realizing your boyfriend is a complete ass isn't so bad when you have someone better to run to. Walking away from the someone better isn't so bad when his sister slips his number into your pocket. Calling him is worlds worse when a girl you don't recognize answers on the other end. Knowing she pushed him to it by not calling for so long adds salt to the wound, and knowing she could have ended this differently by just _calling sooner_ only rubs it in.

She thought her heart had broken when Derek had attacked her. She thought her heart had broken when she had walked away from Matt at the end of the con. She knew her heart had broken when she waited three months to call and an unfamiliar had girl answered instead.

This is what a broken heart feels like, and she'd give anything to have never known.

– V –

This is what healing feels like.

Sleepovers with your best girlfriends, staying up all night playing your Gamestation, laughing over the stupidest things, complaining over teachers you can't stand…it's slow and steady, but soon she can get by a full day without thinking about him, and then two, and on and on it goes until it's been a week and she hasn't once thought of those dark glasses or that warm smile. She has friends, and they help her through it, and soon a month has passed without a tear or thought tossed his way.

This is what healing feels like, and she's not there yet, but she's good.

– V –

This is what fate feels like.

It's the second month of her senior year, and she's in the courtyard looking for somewhere to eat her lunch. She's had the unfortunate luck of being slotted for Lunch B (while her friends were slotted for Lunch A), and has for the most part eaten alone since the start of school, notebook in hand. It was a depressing thing, really, working on the script for her comic; without an artist, _Wary City_ had really been put on hold – except for the notebook where she still scribbled out ideas for the second issue. But it helps lunch go by quicker, so with a determined sigh she pushes ahead to the tree she usually sits under – only to find another girl already in her seat.

So she walks over anyway, asks if she's ok with her sitting there as well, and soon they're chatting away like they'd known each other forever. Her name's Bethany Peters (though she prefers Beth), an AP student with a bit of an art monkey on her shoulder. She shows her the picture she'd been sketching, and she's blown away. She asks if she's ever considered comics, and Beth just laughs and says it's not an option for her. And then they're talking about her mom, and by the time lunch has ended they're the best of friends and planning on meeting up the next day to share lunch again.

The next day, she shows Beth the first issue of _Wary City_, along with the notebook for the second issue. Beth's blown away by the plot and comments that she'd love to be involved in the project, and then she's slyly adding how she's been looking for a new artist. And then Beth hesitates, but she just grabs her hands and cheers her on, telling her it's fate and how much fun it'll be and oh, you can go to Yattacon with me and we'll have the best time – and by the end of that second lunch, _Wary City_ has a new artist and she has a new best friend.

This is what fate feels like, and she just knows they'll be brilliant together.

– V –

This is what insanely hectic feels like.

Half a year since the con, and she's spreading herself so thin she feels she's about to break. Beth's been a Godsend on her grades, giving her study tips and help with some of her more difficult subjects. Just knowing the brainy girl makes her want to try better, and her grades this past year have been the best they've ever been. When she's not cramming she's working on college apps or studying for the SATs, and by the time January's there she's ready to snap from the pressure. Her spare time, what exists of it, is taken up by _Wary City_ and just hanging out with Beth, but it all seems nonexistent compared to the scholarly giant that's eaten most of her life.

But then it's February, and she's received her acceptance letter to her college of choice and her final year is half-way done, and soon she's able to relax a bit more and just live. The second issue of _Wary City_ is just over half-finished, and already they're planning their trip to the con. School's still an elephant looming in the background, but – among other things – Beth has taught her to better manage her time, and if she hadn't given up on religion all those years ago she'd be thanking God for the angel that was Bethany Peters.

This is what insanely hectic feels like, and she's never felt better in her entire life.

– V –

This is what almost-love feels like.

His name is Bill and he's the sweetest guy she's dated in a while, and she's dated plenty of guys lately. On their first date he picks her up on time and opens the car door for her. He tells her she's beautiful and makes her laugh and smile, and she thinks maybe he's the one she's been looking for all this time. The meal's lovely, and the movie's okay, but then they're leaving and a guy whistles at her and…

In her mind, she sees Matt pulling her closer, giving a possessive glare to the flirt. In reality, Bill just smiles and comments on how he's the lucky one and how it's only a compliment. So she lets it pass, but she can't let go of the nudge in her mind that whispers how he's _not Matt_, and it'll never work because he's…

And then they're on their third date, and her idea of the perfect guy is ruined when he starts talking about their 'engagement'. She's looking for someone to help her mend her beaten heart, and he thinks she's the one. They're only just starting out and already he's asking how many kids they should have, and what their song is, and would she like a June wedding or a November? And then his phone rings, and it's the same song as hers and she's telling him to pull over and no, she's not going to the movie with him because no, she's not dating him anymore. And she blocks his hurt face out of her mind as she walks home, chilled in the spring air and cursing herself for not bringing a jacket to cover her sleeveless dress.

This is what almost-love feels like, and she's miserable as she thinks it'll never work if it's not _him_.

– V –

This is what a blow to the gut feels like.

The con's a few months away, and she's busy online checking the con site for registration details. It's a passing fancy that makes her click on the link for photos from the previous year, and the wave of nostalgia and excitement twist away into a gut-clenching knot the further she gets into the gallery. Picture after picture of Sandra, capturing every costume she'd worn over the weekend, and then…there, right after, with her brother. That familiar scowl stamped on his face, glare hidden by blackened plastic. A few pages later, and for the first time in seven months he causes her heart to shatter.

A quick snapshot by someone she didn't know, but placed on the site for all the world to see. There he was, in his trench coat and shades, and there she was right beside him, in her hoodie and kitty ears. Their hands were linked, and they were laughing and smiling and oh, God, why would anyone want to post this? His face still sported the bruise from where Derek had hit him, but the smile made it nearly unnoticeable – unless you knew to look. They looked so happy, so…so…

And her heart broke all over again as she remembered the flowery greeting, the so very _not Matt_ voice answering his phone, and suddenly she's crying and unable to breath and she doesn't even think as she reaches for the phone, her mind dialing the one number she knows will make her feel better.

But her thumb hovers over _SEND_, and her gasping cries renew as she throws the phone across the room.

This is what a blow to the gut feels like, and all it takes is a little snapshot to make her realize she's not as ok as she had thought.

– V –

This is what joy feels like.

She's laughing and squealing as she rips open the box, and there before her sit forty-two copies of _Wary City_, issue two, ready for display and sale. She called Beth the moment she saw the box waiting on the porch, and now they are chatting away excitedly about the issue, gushing over the pages and praising each other for a job well done. She says they'll be a hit, and Beth just laughs as she reminds her they have to get to the con first. But she's still gushing, even more so when they start to open the second box that contains the prints, postcards, and bookmarks. The flyers for the website are stacked neatly on her desk, still near their bag from the local copy store and her hard-earned diploma, and an excited thrum runs through her vein as she realizes they're a month away from the con, and this year…this year, they're going to be brilliant.

But Beth still looks nervous, unsure whether she should really go through with this – whether she should have lied to her mom like she had – and all it takes is her holding up their comic to make her think it'll all be fine. This is their year, and Beth can't miss out on the joy of Yattacon, and _look at it_ – their comic is gorgeous, and there's no way they won't have a blast.

And then Beth hugs her, and her words shock her as she thanks her for…everything. For being her friend, for giving her courage, for just being her. And she's touched more than she can say as she returns the hug, and soon they're laughing and squealing again as they go back to planning their table setup for the artists' alley.

This is what joy feels like, and it's sheer and utter bliss.

– V –

This is what contentment feels like.

Suitcase in hand, she's walking through the entrance hall of the Lakeside Convention Center, smiling and breathing in the atmosphere that was Yattacon. She feels different from last year, but that doesn't really surprise her; she's had an entire year to grow, and she isn't a con virgin anymore. When she sees the man in the schoolgirl suit three sizes too small, she just laughs and waves, calling out how good it is to see him again. She makes her way to the artists' alley, stopping every now and then when she sees a familiar face to chat and catch up. She soon says goodbye, promising to find whoever she's talking to later before waving and heading off once more.

And then she's at their table, and there's Beth, shaking and looking like…well, like she had one year before, even down to the line about the lighting making her see things. And she smiles, hiding the laugh as she joins her in a friendly banter, and then they're laughing and chatting away like it's not Beth's first year at Yattacon and like everything's going to be brilliant, just like she knew it would be. Their talking's cut off by an awed shout, and soon they're meeting their alley neighbors and quickly making friends with these two eccentric, cat-eared loli girls. Between meeting Monica, Hyu-Jeong, and Raj, she's almost completely forgotten about the other group of old friends she hasn't sought out yet, one one-eyed man in particular hovering just on the outskirts of her mind.

But she pushes them aside for later, resigning herself instead to help Beth set up their table and chat away with Raj (and, when he lets them, Monica and Hyu-Jeong).

This is what contentment feels like, and she can't help but think it's a much smoother feeling than her first year at this con.

– V –

This is what regret feels like.

All of the 'should of', 'could of', 'would of's that've tagged her the year through, all while she tried to forget her crush from the year before. She should have called sooner. She could have taken that title for her own if she had. She would have, had Derek not screwed her up so royally when it came to guys.

But it all bubbles into a background of regret as this blonde punk stands before her, this girl who claims to be Matt's. Her joy at seeing Greta again fades as soon as the words leave her lips – _Matt's girlfriend_ – and her world dulls as her heart shatters. Matt's girlfriend. His _girlfriend_. Her heart tugs, the stitches she'd so carefully sewn over the past year pulling and threatening to come undone as each second ticks by. His _girlfriend_. But isn't that supposed to be _her _title?

But then she's talking to her, and she's pushing past the tugging to force a smile and be as civil as she can to this girl she doesn't know but who has everything she really wants. And then Greta's talking, and despite the pain it's a real smile she gives her, despite the declining answer. And then Emily's calling him over, and she's bracing herself for what she had and hadn't been looking forward to all year. She turns, memories flooding over her, and all she can feel is his lips on hers and their hands entwined, even when he's standing a gulf away.

It's not that far, but it might as well be. He's there, Sandra on the cart behind him, just…staring at her. Watching her, like she is him, and she can feel every last stitch giving as the pieces of her heart collapse all over again. It's last year, only reversed, and oh God it's just not fair…

This is what regret feels like, and even the hug and exuberant greeting Sandra gives her can't make her feel entirely better.

– V –

This is what life feels like.

From hesitation to realization to clarity to a broken heart to healing to fate to insanely hectic to almost-love to a blow to the gut to joy to contentment to regret, it's all one big messy circle. It's not having the courage to call the one guy you really like (and might actually love) and not having the brains to realize he might not be waiting for you next summer. It's being able to see your ex that nearly raped you without wanting to hide and realizing that, when the next guy comes, you might actually be ok. It's realizing there really might only be one guy out there for you and having the strength to sit with him and talk knowing you might not ever be able to have him. It's hating that and accepting it because being his friend is better than nothing at all.

So they sit in the quad in the middle of the con center, lost to the con but with each other and ok just because of the fact. They talk and laugh like a year hasn't passed to divide them, and she wonders how she could have ever thought she'd be able to get over this guy beside her.

This is what life feels like, and it's messy and complicated and so very hard at times, but…in the end, even when it doesn't go how you plan, it's so unbelievably worth it.


End file.
